It Means Dick
© Susan Hansell

On any stage three Humans sit in chairs facing forward.  Human One, male, sits to the left of Human Two, female, who sits nearest center. 

The chairs for Human One and Human Two are as far apart as possible while still leaving the actors able to touch hands when fully extended and reaching toward one another.

Human Three, of either or indeterminate gender, sits downstage and right from Human Two.

Note:  Parenthetical dialogue words within dialogue lines are spoken; probable line readings and possibly directions within dialogue lines are bracketed. 


Human One:  I have a story to tell you.

Human Two:  I have a story to tell you.

Human One:  It goes like this.

Human Two:  It goes like this.

Beat.

Human One:  I am thirty months old.

Human Two:  I am thirty years old.

Human One:  I am a child, living in San Francisco.

Human Two:  I am a graduate student, living in San Francisco.

Human One:  Like most children, I live with my parents.

Beat.

Human Three:  Most?  Children?

Beat.

Human One:  In 1965 America. 

Beat.

Human Three:  Ah.

Human Two:  Ah.

Human One:  Ah.

Beat.

Human Three:  We’re all children.  But go on.

Human One:  Yes. 

Human Two:  Go on.

Human One and Human Two turn to face each other.

Human One:  You go on.

Human Two:  No you go.

Human One:  No you.

Human Two:  You.

Human One and Human Two face forward.

Human Three:  Someone goes on.

Beat.

Human Two:  I live in various garrets, the Mission, the Haight.  My health is not good.

Human Three:  Her health is not good.

Human One:  I understand.

Human Two:  You understand.

Human Three:  He SAYS he understands.

Beat.

Human One:  I want to bury my nose in your neck and tell you I’m coming.  I’m here.

Human Two:  I’m waiting for you.

Human One:  You’re waiting for me.

Human Three:  She SAYS she’s waiting.

Pause.

Human One:  Once upon a time, the mother (mine) gives the baby brother (mine), newly born, a bath on the countertop, while the boy child (that’s me) cries in his crib.  The father comes home angry; the father is always angry.  The father (mine) comes to the crib, picks up the boy child (me), and shakes him, hard harder hardest. 

Beat. 

Human One:  Did I tell you I get into a lot of fights?

Human Three:  He gets into a lot of fights.

Human Two sighs deeply.

Human Two:  Once upon a time, the little sister (mine) who’s twenty, and lives in a distant city with a man who beats her, calls the big sister (that’s me) from a hospital bed and tells her (me) that she (me) must not tell a soul that her (the little sister’s) boyfriend holds a pillow over her face so the neighbors won’t hear her screams as he shakes her, hard harder hardest. 

Beat. 

Human Two:  Did I tell you I feel responsible?

Human Three:  She feels responsible.

Human One sighs deeply.

Human Three:  I think I see what’s happening here.

Beat.

Human One:  The mother looks at the baby brother, lying in his shallow bath.  The mother looks at the father, shaking the boy child (me).  Big red hands on the tiny pink mouth. 

Beat.

Human Two:  The big sister kneels in the backyard, worrying about some guy she doesn’t know killing her little sister as she (me) pulls weeds from the grass the way her mother used to do. 

Human One boldly stands.

Human One:  When I’m on the ground I’m not necessarily losing.  I might actually be winning.  Jujitsu style.

Human One demonstrates fighting techniques, then sits, thinks.

Human Two:  If you need back-up, just tell me how.

Human One stands, again boldly, and motions for Human Two to stand also.  They face off, go down together, and roll around briefly, until Human One quickly pins Human Two, almost suffocating her, as Human Two takes quick, shallow breaths.

Human Two:  I’m.  On.  Your.  Side.

Human One:  Oh!  Yeah!  OH YEAH!

Human One releases Human Two and affectionately assists Human Two as they rise, dust off and sit down as before.

Human One:  Baby, you’re good.

Human Two:  It’s nothing.

Human Three stares at Human One and Human Two as the latter smile, pleased with each other.

Human Three:  You see what’s happening here?

Human One and Human Two face forward together, cock heads to one side.  Human Three sighs deeply.

Human Three:  Let’s go back to the story.

Beat.

Human One:  My story.

Human Two:  His story.

Human Three:  Her story

Human Two:  Our story.

Human One:  Your story.

Beat.

Human Two:  We all want the story.

Human One:  Which one?

Human Three:  Does it matter?

Human One sighs.

Human Two sighs.

Human Three sighs.

Human Two:  [sotto] THE story.

Human One:  [sotto] Same STORY.

Human Three:  [sotto] Whata story.

Pause.

Human One:  The mother takes the baby brother out of the bath and places him on the countertop.  He might roll off but she has no time to think about where else to put him.

Human Two:  The big sister takes a long bus ride to tell her parents they must get on a plane and rescue their youngest child.

Beat.

Human Two:  [calm] Your mother jumps on your father’s back, screaming.

Human One:  [blasé] Your father jumps into your face, screaming.

Human Two:  [blasé] My father screams.

Human One:  [calm] My mother screams.

Overlapping:

Human One:  YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING DOG FUCKER JIGALO LOAFER YOU PUT HIM DOWN YOU PUT HIM DOWN YOU NO GOOD PIG FUCKER FAGGOT PERVERT MAN WHORE YOU PUT HIM DOWN YOU YOU CRAZY LOSER YOU.

With:

Human Two:  YOU SCREWED UP NUTJOB NOBODY WANTS YOU YOU YOU PSYCHOTIC BITCH NOBODY NOBODY LIKES YOU YOU NOBODY NOBODY WANTS YOU WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU YOU CRAZY LOSER YOU.

Beat.

Repeat screaming, as above, overlapped but reversed:

Human Two:  YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING DOG FUCKER JIGALO LOAFER YOU PUT HIM DOWN YOU PUT HIM DOWN YOU NO GOOD PIG FUCKER FAGGOT PERVERT MAN WHORE YOU PUT HIM DOWN YOU YOU CRAZY LOSER YOU.

Human One:  YOU SCREWED UP NUTJOB NOBODY WANTS YOU YOU YOU PSYCHOTIC BITCH NOBODY NOBODY LIKES YOU YOU NOBODY NOBODY WANTS YOU WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU YOU CRAZY LOSER YOU.

Beat.

Human Three pops his/her thumb into his/her mouth and sucks vigorously.

Beat.

Human One:  Did I say that?

Human Two:  Did you say that?

Human One:  Did she say that?

Human Two:  Did he say that?

Beat.

Human One and Human Two:  [together] Did we say that?

Human Three removes thumb from mouth.

Human Three:  Somebody said all that.

Human Three replaces thumb in mouth.

Human Two:  I’m sorry.

Human One:  I’m sorry.

Human Three removes thumb from mouth, wipes it off and puts it away.

Human Three:  They SAY they’re sorry.

Beat.

Human One:  That was thirty years ago.

Human Two:  That was thirty months ago.

Human One:  I was thirty months old.

Human Two:  I was thirty years old.

Beat.

Human Three:  I was never born.

Beat.

Human Two:  Oh.

Human Three:  Oh.

Human One:  Yeah, oh.

Beat.

Human Two:  [turning to Three] Do you wish you were?

Human Three considers.



                                                                      {MORE}

 

It Means Dick is a 60 minute one-act play.  For the complete text, see the hardcopy edition of SLM 2.1 or the website <susan-hansell.net>.

It Means Dick, coupled with an earlier 60 minute one-act, We Are All Dick 3, create the two-act play, Gives a Dick.  Each are stand-alone one-acts; together they comprise the two-act work.